A long time ago, in a bakery far, far away…………………………………..

Not quite that epic, but baking is something I remember my family doing for countless years. I’m not talking casually, every so often kind of thing. I’m talking weekly endeavors of baking dozens of multiple types of treats or cakes for birthday, some form of “shower”, the breaking ground of a new building, congratulatory or for a number of any holidays. My family even made our 4 tier wedding cake. And every Christmas, there is a confectionery undertaking which I often imagined put Keebler Elves to shame. (If my memory serves me, over 3,700 cookies/bars/toffee/fudge were made this past year.) Many Kitchen Aid stand mixers have been repaired, rebuilt, or sometimes sacrificed to the Gods of Pastry. What never failed is that every time, the cookies were chewy, the cake was moist and the frosting was sweet, but not too sweet. In a word: perfect. Time after time, after time, after time. And once someone had tasted anything they had baked, there was the inevitable request to duplicate a recipe that had been dubbed “The Stuff We Had in the Pantry”. It’s an art that I can’t help but admire. My family, selflessly, makes baked goods every week for their respective employer. And yes, I said good(S). Plural. Not just a dozen chocolate chip cookies. I’m talking different bars, multiple dozens of multiple different cookies, fudge…just so many things. And when I was managing our boys’ tennis team in high school, my family would load me up with baked goods as a reward to the team after the match. My family’s dedication to providing these young men with a treat earned me the superlative our senior year of “Most Likely to Appear on the Food Network”. One specific baked item made such an impact on my coach, that when my younger step-sister mentioned she had him as a teacher, I showed up one day with 2 bags of his favorite oatmeal-fudge bar and she got some extra credit. Sending him the recipe got her a bit more.

The reason I mention this is I will be baking this weekend: willfully at the request of someone. I’ve found myself falling into the same path of having what my husband has deemed “the touch” when it comes to baking. I’ve sent him to work with many extra baked goods and he always came home telling me “I said I don’t know how, her family just does it.” Truly, I don’t know what it is! Maybe we don’t over-think it, maybe it’s part of what I’m destined to do. What always baffled me was my family never did it professionally! Ever! They are beyond gifted with creativity and they obviously do something right to have people request them to make their birthday, shower and wedding cakes. Let’s be honest, a bakery doesn’t sound like the most stable or necessarily fruitful business endeavor. But we have a Dutch bakery nearby that does AMAZING business. And there are these “designer cake or cupcake” places opening up EVERYWHERE, boasting exotic flavors and such. (QUICK DEPARTURE: I have a fundamental issue paying $10 for a damn cupcake. I don’t care if it is passion fruit & mango cake with lemon meringue frosting. ITS A FUCKING CUPCAKE. Now, layer cakes, I believe those are worth the money most of the time. Beyond the obvious requirement of baking to get to the cake point, the fillings and frosting must be prepared {any bakery worth its name will make these from scratch} and then the cake has to be put together and decorated. A cupcake is a compact, portable bite with a smear of frosting. Layer-cake=Mercedes C class, Cupcake=Miata.) The other item to consider is baking is more of a hobby for them. And would one get burned out if they had to perform their hobby every damn day? Well, it’s not a hobby at that point. It’s income, the sole function of paying their bills. I don’t know the answer, because I won;t bring it up to them anymore. My brother and I have tried. Let me offer you some perspective on where he and I are coming from: lets say that we don’t bake at home from scratch (cake flour, baking powder, cream of tartar) and we use prepared cake mixes. I purchased 2 boxes today for .94 each. (I do not have room in my kitchen for AP flour, cake flour, wheat flour, bread flour….). I need water (faucet) eggs (.98 for 6) and vegetable oil ($2 for a small bottle). I’m barely at $5 and I will have 2 dozen cupcakes. As for frosting, a quart of milk, some powdered sugar and whipping cream. See where I’m going with this? Even if I sold these for $2 each, the profit margin is huge!!! Which got me thinking….

Sure, it could be cool and fun! And based on my research, aside from grocery stores, there aren’t many “bakeries” around. But I should probably just get through baking tomorrow first. I’m excited to try to make a truly white-white cake. Egg yolks turn the color enough to piss me off, so we’ll see what I can do with that. No to mention my adaptation of many recipes I’ve seen using “meat candy” as a garnish. At least I know my husband and I will eat yellow butter cupcakes with maple cream frosting and sprinkles of bacon.

I never mind baking for anyone (until they become entitled and feel they deserve baked good because of who that are. There have been many times I’ve said “no” because of someone’s bad attitude. A specific example, is when I would deliver baked goods to certain people, I would deliver them in sturdy, zip top bags. They were baked fresh, so why not enjoy them fresh for a while. I would go by days later to notice half the bag consumed, and sitting there wide open, going stale. My family busted their ass, sent you these cookies and you let them go stale? Fine…if you don’t care enough to close a zipper bag, I guess you just don’t deserve free cookies. The next time by I got asked where their cookies were. Nailed em: they apparently thought they deserved them. The baked goods were a labor of love. Since you didn’t appreciate what you were getting, you don’t get anymore. I probably took it personally, but that was my family doing all the work. Of course I took it personally!), but baking for my family scares/motivates me. They do this weekly! I just hope I can make something enjoyable, and possibly something a little different. That is, if we don’t eat the all the bacon before it becomes sprinkles.